drinksteapots (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
drinksteapots) wrote2013-07-31 10:54 pm
drinksteapots) wrote2013-07-31 10:54 pm
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My Brother is a Creeper
First of all, I'm not a feminist by many's standards. I don't really consider myself to be one. Yet, apparently I am by the standards of my family. Anyway, here goes. Let me tell you about my younger brother, who is a legitimate creep.
My brother. Let's call him Jim. Jim was a quiet boy who was very much into playing interactive online games and watching anime throughout high school. He often would head right home to simply go on his computer and continue his latest quest online, only participating in after school activities when he was actually made to do so by our parents. That is to say, he wasn't very social, especially when it came to girls. This even persisted throughout his early years of college. Until he discovered the instructional videos on youtube of how to approach and/or pick up woman.
He grew to follows the men in these videos. Idolize them, even. In fact, he would bring up conversations about these videos and approaching women even among our family members, and it just got worse from there. He would begin to discuss incest with me and my sister, saying that we should let our wild fantasies free. One discussion of incest is one thing, but repeated offenses alerts me that it goes deeper. He discussed such things with our elderly nana who recently lost her husband, asking her if she ever felt an attracting for, say, her uncle. He would repeatedly ask our cousin to stick out her tongue and lick her lips in front of him. He would tell our youngest cousin "If I win at this Just Dance 4, I get to give you a massage".
Obviously he is socially inept. He doesn't know when to discuss his approaching methods, and he obviously is completely clueless that he shouldn't be practicing these approaching methods on his own family members. We've told him to stop. He simply doesn't and will argue for these men and their methods in the approaching videos until the end of time. More often than not, he will use the argument of exception against any point. "Oh, well, there are some girls that don't mind if you're dress sloppily." "I get the same number of girls hitting if I put in effort or if I don't, so it doesn't matter if I be more nice." "Most girls don't notice if you don't wash your hands after going to the washroom, so why bother?" "Maybe most girls won't let you stick your tongue in their mouth on the first day, but some will." The argument of exception is a logical fallacy. Yes, we know. There are exceptions. What he's missing is the point.
Just recently I was in a conversation with him and our grandparents. Of course he brought up approaching to our grandparents, who did not understand the gravity of the situation. Eventually the discussion escalated into an argument just between me and Jim.
"I am a man, I can't help but be attracted to women." Biologically speaking. But there is a biological basis for a man to not be attracted to his own family members. It's called the Major Histone Complex. Look it up. Anyway, ultimately, you have control over your own body. You can decide to let it master you or let yourself master it. He thinks it's okay to walk up to a girl in a club and let his boner say hello.
"Of course I deserve all the women in the world. I am a man. Just as you deserve all the men in the world because you are a woman." This statement alone is the most narcissistic and arrogant thing I have ever heard. No one deserve anyone, and if there is ever such truth to a concept as deserving another, you're not going to be the one to judge that.
"Sometimes women will reward a man who is persistent." This is true. Except in his case, persistent is pushy. Obnoxious. Cannot take a 'no'. When I asked him what about a woman who pushes him away or refuses him, he replied with, "Women are emotional, and they constantly change their emotional states. What one reply at one time might not be the same the next."
"I have to have verbal consent?" I told him yes. Absolutely. What he failed to realized that bodily reactions are not consent. They are simply reactions. They are physiological. Bodily reactions are one thing, and a woman can even be feeling pleasure from whatever act the man is performing, but the mind and what it produces vocally is now pinnacle. I told him that the absence of a 'no' or a 'yes' does not mean a yes. He did not believe me. I told him that it was dubious consent at best, which is no better than non-consent. He didn't believe that either.
What made me leave the room was his statement about being persistent with women, even after they would push you away. "After the fourth 'no' and she says yes, then it's fine."
No.
No it is not.
No is no.
I don't know how many young woman he has approached with this mannerism or ideals. these videos influenced him so. But I looked at them. And yes, most encourage men to be direct, physical, and bold with their approach. None of them discuss the social influences on women that show them how to behave in response, that have conditioned women to be demure when refusing or giving hints to refuse. None of them discourage backing off. Instead they all say that you should be persistent, you should get that yes, or worse-- you should continue to act even without a 'yes' or 'no'. They don't understand the societal pressures of saying no, that women are raised to be demure and polite, to not exactly say the simple 'no' and turn it into a half-assed refusal to not be so bold. I tried to explain this to him. He said "But not all women are like that". YES. I KNOW. Fallacy of exception aside, he still doesn't get it.
I don't consider myself to be a strong woman. I have a difficult time saying no. I have been pressured into doing things I don't want to. I am at times too scared to refuse or say what I really want. I would give anything for a man that listens, that actually would take the time out of our conversation on the walk from the bar/movie/club home to ask what I want.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but our society and with men like these in the world? We're eventually going to need it to be that there should always, always, always be a verbal consent one way or another before anything happens. That really is ridiculous, huh? But it's going to be needed now-a-days with these approaching videos encouraging rape culture.
Basically... I need help. What do I do with Jim? How can I convince him that how his mentality is so very offensive? What can I do to stop the ideals and principles of approaching women portrayed in the how-to videos he's seen? Has anyone written to the makers of such videos?
My brother. Let's call him Jim. Jim was a quiet boy who was very much into playing interactive online games and watching anime throughout high school. He often would head right home to simply go on his computer and continue his latest quest online, only participating in after school activities when he was actually made to do so by our parents. That is to say, he wasn't very social, especially when it came to girls. This even persisted throughout his early years of college. Until he discovered the instructional videos on youtube of how to approach and/or pick up woman.
He grew to follows the men in these videos. Idolize them, even. In fact, he would bring up conversations about these videos and approaching women even among our family members, and it just got worse from there. He would begin to discuss incest with me and my sister, saying that we should let our wild fantasies free. One discussion of incest is one thing, but repeated offenses alerts me that it goes deeper. He discussed such things with our elderly nana who recently lost her husband, asking her if she ever felt an attracting for, say, her uncle. He would repeatedly ask our cousin to stick out her tongue and lick her lips in front of him. He would tell our youngest cousin "If I win at this Just Dance 4, I get to give you a massage".
Obviously he is socially inept. He doesn't know when to discuss his approaching methods, and he obviously is completely clueless that he shouldn't be practicing these approaching methods on his own family members. We've told him to stop. He simply doesn't and will argue for these men and their methods in the approaching videos until the end of time. More often than not, he will use the argument of exception against any point. "Oh, well, there are some girls that don't mind if you're dress sloppily." "I get the same number of girls hitting if I put in effort or if I don't, so it doesn't matter if I be more nice." "Most girls don't notice if you don't wash your hands after going to the washroom, so why bother?" "Maybe most girls won't let you stick your tongue in their mouth on the first day, but some will." The argument of exception is a logical fallacy. Yes, we know. There are exceptions. What he's missing is the point.
Just recently I was in a conversation with him and our grandparents. Of course he brought up approaching to our grandparents, who did not understand the gravity of the situation. Eventually the discussion escalated into an argument just between me and Jim.
"I am a man, I can't help but be attracted to women." Biologically speaking. But there is a biological basis for a man to not be attracted to his own family members. It's called the Major Histone Complex. Look it up. Anyway, ultimately, you have control over your own body. You can decide to let it master you or let yourself master it. He thinks it's okay to walk up to a girl in a club and let his boner say hello.
"Of course I deserve all the women in the world. I am a man. Just as you deserve all the men in the world because you are a woman." This statement alone is the most narcissistic and arrogant thing I have ever heard. No one deserve anyone, and if there is ever such truth to a concept as deserving another, you're not going to be the one to judge that.
"Sometimes women will reward a man who is persistent." This is true. Except in his case, persistent is pushy. Obnoxious. Cannot take a 'no'. When I asked him what about a woman who pushes him away or refuses him, he replied with, "Women are emotional, and they constantly change their emotional states. What one reply at one time might not be the same the next."
"I have to have verbal consent?" I told him yes. Absolutely. What he failed to realized that bodily reactions are not consent. They are simply reactions. They are physiological. Bodily reactions are one thing, and a woman can even be feeling pleasure from whatever act the man is performing, but the mind and what it produces vocally is now pinnacle. I told him that the absence of a 'no' or a 'yes' does not mean a yes. He did not believe me. I told him that it was dubious consent at best, which is no better than non-consent. He didn't believe that either.
What made me leave the room was his statement about being persistent with women, even after they would push you away. "After the fourth 'no' and she says yes, then it's fine."
No.
No it is not.
No is no.
I don't know how many young woman he has approached with this mannerism or ideals. these videos influenced him so. But I looked at them. And yes, most encourage men to be direct, physical, and bold with their approach. None of them discuss the social influences on women that show them how to behave in response, that have conditioned women to be demure when refusing or giving hints to refuse. None of them discourage backing off. Instead they all say that you should be persistent, you should get that yes, or worse-- you should continue to act even without a 'yes' or 'no'. They don't understand the societal pressures of saying no, that women are raised to be demure and polite, to not exactly say the simple 'no' and turn it into a half-assed refusal to not be so bold. I tried to explain this to him. He said "But not all women are like that". YES. I KNOW. Fallacy of exception aside, he still doesn't get it.
I don't consider myself to be a strong woman. I have a difficult time saying no. I have been pressured into doing things I don't want to. I am at times too scared to refuse or say what I really want. I would give anything for a man that listens, that actually would take the time out of our conversation on the walk from the bar/movie/club home to ask what I want.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but our society and with men like these in the world? We're eventually going to need it to be that there should always, always, always be a verbal consent one way or another before anything happens. That really is ridiculous, huh? But it's going to be needed now-a-days with these approaching videos encouraging rape culture.
Basically... I need help. What do I do with Jim? How can I convince him that how his mentality is so very offensive? What can I do to stop the ideals and principles of approaching women portrayed in the how-to videos he's seen? Has anyone written to the makers of such videos?